Speaker 1: 0:01

I mean I had it all. I had everything the 2.4 kids, the white picket fence, the two houses, the multiple cars, a couple of cats, you know. And I was like why am I drinking this extra glass of wine every night? And what's wrong with me?

Speaker 2: 0:24

transformative journey through the uncharted seas of midlife and empty nesting. If you're ready to embark on this new adventure and redefine your future, you're in the right place. Here's your host the Empty Nest Coach, jay Ramston Nicola.

Speaker 3: 0:34

Dunn, welcome to this Empty Nest Life. So good to see you.

Speaker 1: 0:39

So excited to be here, jay, thanks for having me.

Speaker 3: 0:42

Yeah, so I've got a question right Just to get us started and you can kind of kickstart yourself from here and introduce yourself. But you used to be an HR executive, right, probably living life. As you quote unquote people say had it all.

Speaker 1: 0:56

Yep, yeah.

Speaker 3: 0:58

Traditional markers of success we all know about but maybe not so fulfilled. Can you tell me a little bit more there and let my guests know or let my folks know kind of your story?

Speaker 1: 1:09

Yeah, the story was the brainwashed American dream. You know, I was an American girl. You know, doing what my daddy told me to do. You know, pull up those bootstraps and go down that checklist of success and I was very fortunate. If you measure life from an American Dream checklist as successful, I did all the things and got married, even had a stay-at-home husband, I had three kids, did the big corporate life. I worked at GE, I was in their human resources leadership program. I mean I did all the right things right.

Speaker 1: 1:43

I made it all the way to the top, worked for three different companies, including Thermo Fisher Scientific and Allscripts, and became, you know, executive HR leader with board responsibility and was completely stressed out. I mean I had it all. I had everything the 2.4 kids, the white picket fence, the two houses, the multiple cars, a couple of cats, you know. And I was like, why am I drinking this extra glass of wine every night and what's wrong with me? Why am I not happy enough? And so I went through a massive transformation back in 2009.

Speaker 1: 2:21

I quit my job at the age of 40 and with that stay at home husband and three kids, 12 and under, like a crazy person, and I started coaching, I thought long and hard about what was it that I loved in my life and at my corporate world, and it was helping leaders help themselves and really being that resource for them.

Speaker 1: 2:44

So I turned what I loved into a job and I mean, believe me, I felt great when I quit my job in that meeting on a Monday at 4.15 and looked at my CEO and I walked out the door, felt really good and seven weeks later had a massive terror panic attack. I mean, let me be clear, this was not an easy decision, but I'm known for making big decisions quickly and I haven't looked back since and I've been coaching. Now I'm an executive coach and I'm also a podcast host, like you. I've written a book, a journal called the my Life by Design Journal, and I am also a rapid transformational hypnotherapist. So I've created a really beautiful set of offerings as a coach for the past 15 years that have enabled my what I call a life by design and a life by design that I love. So that's who I am now and I have zero regrets, even though it was some scary times, but I managed through you wait, the more your brain gets like filled up with questions and then you get stuck.

Speaker 3: 4:06

So doing things quickly doesn't always lead to a massive panic attack. Let's just put that out there for people who are listening. But in doing so, is that where the life by design came from, or did that come later?

Speaker 1: 4:17

I think it probably did come within that first year, because I don't know if anybody's ever heard of the six word story.

Speaker 3: 4:24

Have you ever heard of that? I have.

Speaker 1: 4:25

Yeah, so it's. A publishing company started it and it was based on, I think, maybe a Mark Twain quote that says baby shoes for sale, never worn. It's a six word story. Now you could interpret that sentence as dramatic or matter of fact. Right, oh, my God, you know, the baby died, or oh, they never wore those shoes, giving them away or selling them.

Speaker 1: 4:47

And so that we I ran into this philosophy, a lot of corporations started using it for their leaders. You know what is your six word story? And so I played along on my own out here, trying to set up my own coaching business and get certified as a coach, et cetera. And I was like, well, what is my six word story? Life by design. I love mine, and now I didn't always love it and there are times where I still don't love it or I want to change it, I want to expand it, evolve it. But every year I revisit that six word story and every year it's the same. And I just glanced at a poster on the wall or framed print my friend gave me, and it says she designed a life she loved. And it's still true to this day. And I just say that, if people can stop for a moment and you even ask in some of your prep questions. You know what's your empty nest motto. I use the same phrase for the past year as an empty nester, so that's the story there.

Speaker 3: 5:47

And I like it because I think a lot of folks, especially people who listen to my show, they get so wrapped up in an identity. You are wrapped up in a corporate identity and we all have different types of identities, for sure. But some folks get wrapped up in the identity of being a parent and then the kids go off, they go off to college, they go into the workplace, they may do whatever. That identity starts to spin Like who am I now and what am I supposed to do? But I love the idea of like life by design. I am in a program called the Obsessed Retreat. It's like become obsessed with your life.

Speaker 1: 6:21

Oh yeah.

Speaker 3: 6:22

Yeah, and I think it's kind of similar. It's like you can either do life by design or you can become obsessed with it, not like in a gross kind of you know over-the-top way. It's just like I want to live a life I love and lots of people will say, well, yes, I lived my life that I loved by being a mom or a dad and being so involved. But what now? So like, where is that for you? I think I saw you on a kayak recently in a post right and it kind of spurred that question. It's like, what now for you?

Speaker 1: 6:49

Yeah, what now? For me? It reminds me when you talk about identity. I just want to make a comment. You know, my husband and I my first husband and the father of my three kids when we were together we tried to live a little bit differently. We thought we were unique in our pursuit of that American dream. You know, when we would relocate for my job and he's staying home, we would tell the realtor please don't take us where all the other GE people live, because a lot of people would like, want to be together in the same neighborhoods, et cetera. We're like take us downtown, or you know, we want to live differently, we want to be unique. And him staying home full time was before the whole trend of hipsters Like we were the first hipsters, if you will, which makes us laugh.

Speaker 1: 7:38

But it was in that time that I was so wrapped up in my identity as a corporate leader and he was wrapped up in his identity as a stay-at-home dad that I even thought once I was like maybe I'll write a book called I Feel Guilty for Not Feeling Guilty, and it was related to my relationship with my children. So I knew they were loved, I knew they were being raised well, but I would meet all these other working moms and they always were. I don't know if they did it by default or if they really did. They all felt so guilty about working and they were like, oh my God, I had to go out of town for a whole week. And I was like, oh, I was out of town for two weeks. I was okay with that. Like it was a really weird dynamic.

Speaker 1: 8:26

Now, down the road, when I quit my job and went home, my husband's identity as a stay-at-home dad and my identity as a corporate leader caused us to not align and we ended up not staying together. It was a massive shift in identity. Now, part of his challenge was his three kids grew up and needed their mom a little bit more than they had needed him. That threw him for a loop. So it's like these precursors to the ultimate empty nest. We were beginning to sense and see that our identities were really clear. Roles and responsibilities were tied to these identities and when you shook that up and changed it, it was devastating for us. We were not prepared.

Speaker 1: 9:08

So I bring that up because, ultimately, as I face now my new way of being without kids in the house and yeah, we'll just tell everybody. I'm also going through a second divorce after just three and a half years. Identity alone in a house, no husband, no kids, nobody else responsible for I now work for myself. Freedom of my job, my goodness, to your point. I am redefining myself right now and it's overwhelming and at the same time, completely liberating. I've never felt more free in my life. But I'm also still figuring it out. There's a lot of grieving going on from the previous identity Does that make sense.

Speaker 3: 9:49

It makes perfect sense. I think that's what will resonate with folks when they listen to this episode. Is that like our, when we leave an identity behind? And I did something similar like we my wife and I used to work in the same school and we were both on the leadership team and she wanted to go to the next level and that meant leaving that school and I knew I needed, you know, I wanted to support her in that journey. It also meant me kind of stepping back from my role and I could have done that in another school near us, but I wouldn't have been able to support her in her journey the way that I wanted to support her in her journey which turned out to be great because, you know, fast forward, like a year later or two years later, and my mother-in-law ended up living with us. So it was even good that I had pivoted this way.

Speaker 3: 10:31

But, yes, taking time like in that journey to be like, oh my God, who? And we had getting ready to launch both kids and it's like, who do I want to be now? And that question, I think, is something that I really encourage people to do is like, who do you want to be when the kids grow up and move on, which is like you get to this certain point and you've done a ton of work or you've been a coach a long time. And I think people get stuck in this when they see a coach or they hear about coaching, because it's become more acceptable to see people talking about getting coached or, you know, having coaches. Like oh, I wish I had it all figured out. Like, but hello, fast forward. Little side note we don't as coaches, we're human, no, so I'm just curious, like what's in all of these iterations like what's something that you've learned about yourself recently.

Speaker 1: 11:24

Oh well, I want to reiterate that in retrospect. I really do believe, if you know my partners and I, you know I've had two great partners we just shouldn't stay together because the two of us couldn't lean in you know, mert and I, john and I we couldn't lean in to the collaboration required to ultimately design that partnership that would be fulfilling for both people. And I think there's often an avoidance. A lot of people listening also might not want to be self-aware and self-observe who they are without the previous identity. They're too frightened and they hang on pretty tight to the previous identity. Now, I had the advantage of having been trained as a coach and have had a coach. So I always recommend don't get a coach that doesn't have a coach Because, to your point, we're all still learning and what I learned about myself over this process is I was really attached to that point. We're all still learning.

Speaker 1: 12:25

And what I learned about myself over this process is I was really attached to that identity, to the image, to what people thought. I was really attached, but not too attached to not make a change. So I'm really proud of myself. I think I had an inner knowing, like an intuition, that was like yes, and it could be better. You don't have to compromise, you don't actually have to settle into a life that's not fulfilling to you. And I was again projecting on this previous relationship. All the good stuff was good, but I was ignoring the part that was just a disconnect between my partner and me, and it caused me to have to really do the work I do help others do for themselves. I had to do the work for me even deeper, even more, and I'm so grateful that my husband showed up for me the way he did and the way I showed up for him, because it forced my hand. It forced me to look in the mirror and say wait a minute, what are you doing? Like? Why do you feel this way? Or why is he acting that way? Like what is this triggering in you and what do you really really want and what matters most to you? And the key practice that helped me get there and find two key practices that helped me wake up and pull the pin out of that grenade and throw it into the middle of what everyone in the world thought was my forever after, my happy ever after, was journaling and and mirror work and the journaling I've done since I was a child and that's why I wrote the journal, the my Life by Design journal or your Life by Design journal.

Speaker 1: 14:06

And the second piece was the mirror work that I did. That I learned from a woman who's passed away now. Her name is Louise Hay, and Louise Hay talks about the power of that self-dialogue with yourself. I mean, this is the crazy woman dialogue.

Speaker 1: 14:20

You're going to be looking in the mirror and telling yourself how much you love yourself, saying your own name, beginning to look and recognize the insecurities that are holding you back, the limiting beliefs, and turning what had been self-disparaging dialogue about me not feeling enough in my life and looking to my partner to help me validate that feeling of okayness, of enoughness, and saying, well, you know, if he can't show up for me, then I have to show up for me. And that's the beauty of this second marriage because it woke me up. In retrospect. He showed up for me exactly the way he probably promised he would in our sole contracts, if you believe in things like that, and I couldn't be more grateful and I couldn't be more proud of myself for actually getting out of that relationship as early as I did so that he can go and grow and expand where he needs to, and I can continue my growth and expansion on my own.

Speaker 3: 15:18

Yeah, I think that's where people kind of get lost, right, and we're kind of heading down into, because you hit emptiness and people start to sometimes question the relationship that they're in. Because I always say, like, when you're married with kids and you're raising them together, you're both on like the same, like going down the same path, it's just on different roads and the kids are like the median in between you, right, you're both heading in the same direction, but maybe not in this doing the same sort of things or at the same time. It's like when you bring the best of yourself, when everybody brings the best of themselves as an individual, right, so many times we want to be something different for the person that we're in a relationship with.

Speaker 1: 16:00

You're right.

Speaker 3: 16:00

Right, but when you bring the best of you and the best of you, like people say, oh well, in marriage is 50, 50. No, it's a hundred, a hundred.

Speaker 1: 16:07

Yeah, I mean, it's your responsibility to do that self-work and it's frightening and a lot of people just don't want to in this lifetime and they're not capable and no matter what you say, don't want to in this lifetime and they're not capable, and no matter what you say, your partner may not be interested and so the only thing you can control is yourself and your own experience.

Speaker 3: 16:26

A hundred percent.

Speaker 1: 16:27

And if you can begin to shift into a. This is happening for me. Why is this happening for me? Why am I getting triggered when my husband shows up in a certain way? Why am I feeling not enough? Why is there a lack of fulfillment? I own that. I own that and I have shifted a long time ago a couple of things that have helped me and they help my clients. One is I stopped thinking that the world was happening to me and I decided to live under the assumption that the world was happening for me. Now, let me repeat that I stopped living under the belief that the world was happening for me. Now, let me repeat that I stopped living under the belief that the world was happening to me, which was overwhelming. If I thought that and I started recognizing okay, why is this happening for me?

Speaker 1: 17:10

What is the value here? And it could be the worst case scenario Somebody's got cancer, you get in a car wreck, you know awful things. Why did that happen for me? What is the value here? How will? Because it's already happened. Right, it's already happened. So what am I going to do with it? I can sit here and be the victim to it and lay on the sofa for a month, and maybe I need to do that just to feel and heal. But how long am I going to do that? Because it's not that I go there, it's how long do I stay there and can I take responsibility? Can I learn how to respond to my life circumstance? And the other piece that shifted for me was when I started asking the following question you know, a partner would show up in a certain way or not show up in a certain way, or a kid would say something to me or not say something to me.

Speaker 2: 18:00

The way I wish they would.

Speaker 1: 18:01

I began to ask the question okay, what am I making this mean? What am I making this mean? Because if I take responsibility, ability to respond, I'm the adult here, right, especially with our kids. My 24-year-old has not been texting me on a regular basis, she has not been communicating like we did a year ago when I sent her off on her way. She doesn't communicate hardly at all and I miss her so much. Okay, what are you making that mean? What are you making that mean so powerful questions, powerful reflection for me.

Speaker 3: 18:33

No, I, I agree with that a hundred percent. It's like well, there are circumstances that happen in our lives right, 100%. Like there are circumstances that happen in our lives right and we're going to human brain is automatically going to have a thought and a feeling about it. Sometimes we know what those thoughts and feelings are, sometimes they just happen like deep down and we don't realize it, but it is. It's like what do I want to make it mean about me or do I not want to make it Because it's not really about you? That's right. Like when somebody says something or does something, it's not really about you, it's about them.

Speaker 1: 18:56

You know, I think that's the root of all suffering, jay is expecting other people to show up for you, either one the way you would show up in that same circumstance, or two the way you just wish they would Right.

Speaker 3: 19:10

Right, you just wish they'd show up differently.

Speaker 1: 19:13

That's the root of suffering.

Speaker 3: 19:14

It is, it is, yeah, there's this playbook that we carry around for everybody in our lives. It is, it is, yeah, there's this playbook that we carry around for everybody in our lives, the people we love, the people we come across, you know regularly, and then people that we interact with, one off Like we have a standards and expectations playbook for them and we never tell them what's in that playbook, when we don't tell them what's in our play and that we're the lead and that we have all these roles right, like supporting roles and we already know their script right and we're like come on, you haven't learned your script.

Speaker 1: 19:55

God, you're really not playing along in this life. I'm designing. That's right, right. So it's really funny.

Speaker 1: 20:01

I've actually played with some second guessing on the word design, because it makes and this is a more recent learning to your point about I saw you kayaking, yeah, and I've been trying to keep the phrase because it is kind of my logo, if you will. I've been using it for so long, it's part of my brand. But this whole thought, I thought okay, nikola, how can you make sure that life by design? Because this is my learning and bear with me as I talk to people?

Speaker 3: 20:29

Oh, please, yeah, absolutely.

Speaker 1: 20:31

It's really interesting, because what that historically meant was that I made shit happen. I mean I was like, okay, well, what do I want? All right, now what can I go do to make that happen? I'm going to make that happen, right, and what I'm learning now is that, you know, similar to my previous marriage, right?

Speaker 2: 20:50

I made that happen. Okay, we're getting married.

Speaker 1: 20:51

I want to be married. I want this. Oh, it looks so perfect. Let me just do it. Let's go, let's go, let's go. Okay, why is this not in like what's going? What, what happened?

Speaker 1: 21:08

I think I my biggest lesson is learning how to allow and learning how to receive. And that can still be a life by design, but it starts with my way of being and I have been in such a masculine energy and we all have masculine and feminine energies. My resolution, like I'm really have always been striving and had to be in control, to feel safe and to move forward in my life and to become the next executive blah, blah, blah or to go run my own business and that energy is no longer serving me. I'm exhausted. That burnt me out. It's burnt me out in the corporate world.

Speaker 1: 21:42

It burnt me out after I originally quit and that turned into what I call the same circus, different tent. I was still doing the same stuff and dreading Monday morning. I've gotten into a much more relaxed way of being over the last 10 years, I'd say, but I still notice. Where are you still striving, nicola, and what would it truly look like to sit still and have faith and thrive? I mean, really let go, like, really trust the journey, like really see if I could just be and allow that life by design to come to me yeah, there's.

Speaker 3: 22:22

I think people kind of get freaked out a little bit when we talk about like, well, do we just allow, like our energy to accept whatever energy is in the universe? Right, people go. Well, that's a little woohoo ish. But no, there's, we're all, we're particles. Right, humans, everything in this world is made up of energy.

Speaker 3: 22:38

So it's like when you're in a more positive place and your thoughts and your feelings like that drives an energy that then accepts things into your life, which I do I find people kind of struggle with that a little bit. But how else do you get it Right? Oh, I work hard. Well, you work hard because you have thoughts and feelings about the job that you're doing Right, and you may go down a a certain path, but you can also have success without like killing yourself right and having stress right. And so I think, for people who are like entering this emptiness time where they're like well, do I still keep working because nobody talks about, right, the kids leave and there's retirement, so what happens in between? Nobody, nobody talks about that. It's just like there it is, there's that chunk that's right, right, well, what do you want to do like? What do you want it to look like. That's why I like the life by design, I think, because it helps you think about yeah, what do you want your life to look like now?

Speaker 1: 23:27

Well, I really like having those questions. And you're absolutely right, we are all energy and like energy, attracts like energy, and part of the coaching work that I do is based on a concept called energy leadership and it's about self-observation and that you are either coming at your world catabolically, complaining, being dramatic, you know, oh, I miss my kids so much. Oh, my gosh, she's not texting me back, oh, she's ghosting me, you know. So even when I joke about that, I got to be careful because it's a catabolic meaning that I'm like oh, I'm feeling bad. What am I really feeling bad about? I'm just grieving her. I'm just missing her. I love her. And do I want her to text me every day? No, I do not.

Speaker 1: 24:08

I'm actually quite proud that when I shift that energy out of the initial disappointment, I can shift into what's called anabolic energy and I can make it mean something really positive, which is, oh, I'm so excited for her that she's created such a life by design of her own, that she's self-sustaining, she's self-aware, she doesn't need to call me every five minutes.

Speaker 1: 24:31

Oh my gosh, I should be celebrating, right? So when I shift my energy from that moment of catabolic victimhood or fighter, like I can't believe you didn't text me back. I've actually had an email with her about her phone where I got mad at her. I'm like, you know, I'm really kind of tired of emailing you about getting your damn phone off of my phone plan. She's let that go on for a year. I'm like, oh so there's something there like the frustration or the negative energy that I'm. It's almost like I'm using it to connect and I know this is this is kind of master's level energy work. But I'm like what am I? What is that really Like? And maybe she's not dealing with it, because if she actually dealt with it, that's the last thing still connecting us that she relies on from me.

Speaker 1: 25:20

Oh yeah, think about that Right. So, energetically, you're still dealing with other people's energy too. So who knows, maybe she's avoiding my request to go to damn AT&T again because she doesn't want me to let her go, that's right. So you know what? This is like an aha in the podcast interview so I'm like right. So you know what this?

Speaker 3: 25:40

is like an aha in the podcast interview. So I'm like right, oh my God.

Speaker 1: 25:41

It's amazing, this stuff.

Speaker 3: 25:43

I think we're going to. We're going to coin a new new phrase right here it's the technological umbilical cord.

Speaker 1: 25:49

Oh, that's exactly what's happening. Or the, or the wallet.

Speaker 3: 25:53

Yeah, yeah, it's still a lifeline. It's her lifeline to you and to others, but it's her lifeline to you, right, staying connected that way.

Speaker 1: 26:03

That's right that, whether it's symbolically and literally, yeah, exactly.

Speaker 3: 26:08

Both I love that, both I love it. What's, what's something that makes you smile right now in your life, the way that it is?

Speaker 1: 26:14

Well, you make me smile. I was so pleased that you joined my live. When I did kayak over to Mason Bar Island yesterday I couldn't read everybody's comments and, by the way, those comments don't go to the live when you repost it I was like, oh, I wonder what everybody said. I was like, hey, jay, that was really awesome, though Things you know.

Speaker 1: 26:34

Let me be clear I I'm going through the empty nest, not only for my kids, but for this divorce.

Speaker 1: 26:40

I'm only four months into this divorce, so I'm going through a lot right now emotionally, energetically, and it is a roller coaster of emotions. So in the last seven days, what made me smile was, after many days of sadness and grieving, I was able to find joy in just getting up and going and making some plan to do something. And even on Thursday I forced myself to get up and go to see the Angel Oak. I was staying in South Carolina at my brother's house and he was out of town and the Angel Oak is a three or 400 year old oak in South Carolina on John's Island and it's about six miles from his house, and I was like, okay, I've got to leave the house, like this is part of the chat, but for anybody an empty house is just weird if you've been in charge of people for a really long time. So I was like I've got to leave the house and I work from home too, so it's even harder.

Speaker 1: 27:41

Well, I got up and I drove to that angel oak and I literally hugged on this tree. I was like he's so amazing, you should go Google it right now. It's so giant. And I just kind of hugged on the tree and I was forcing the motions Like I didn't really. And I just kind of hugged on the tree and I was forcing the motions Like I didn't really. I'd been there before, I'd seen this oak and I tried to really get some of that earth, grounding, nature, energy. And I even still wasn't feeling it. So I just went and sat on a bench and stared at her. I sat there for a good 45 minutes and just stared at the oak and stared at people until I felt like, okay, you know, I've done it. I got up, I went outside, another day went by and then I got invited to go see a friend at a local place.

Speaker 1: 28:30

It's like an old house turned into a bar and picnic tables and bands and food trucks. And I drove, you know five hours back from Wadmalaw Island right to the gathering. And that night this was Friday night being with my friend and all these new people, it's like a switch went off and I was like, oh my God, I'm happy again. This is it, I can live this life. I'm actually a new person. This is not, I'm not the same old person, and there was just something about that connection with others and it really made me smile. And also the end of August made me smile. I was like, okay, september, it's like a new day, like I have this fresh opportunity. And so here I am.

Speaker 1: 29:13

Yesterday morning, with September 1st, I got up and I listened to that little nudge, that intuition that said, hey, the tide's right, you can go kayak. And I just kept doing it. So here are the questions that I want all your listeners to write down, and I leverage this with my clients and I have been leveraging it with me this past week what do I want and why? And I have to really think about my values and what really matters most in my life by design, like, what do I want? Well, I don't want to sit in the house all day. Okay, well, what do I want? I want to go somewhere. Okay, well, where could you go? All right, well, I guess I could go to look at the oak tree. Plus, I'm saving money. I'm in the middle of like a financial shift, so I can't really go spend a shit ton of money. So I'm like, okay, well, what can you do for free? So what do I want? Next question Well, how is what you're doing getting you what you want?

Speaker 1: 30:05

That's an important question. If you want to work out and you're laying in the bed, you're not getting what you want, right. So you want a healthy body. If you want a life that doesn't stay in the house all day, then what do you want? And how is what you're doing getting you what you want? If you are not getting what you want, how willing are you to try a different way? How willing are you? And if you're not willing, are you willing to accept where you are, without judgment? And that's key.

Speaker 3: 30:35

So good.

Speaker 1: 30:39

Sometimes people are like, well, I don't really want to go kayak because it takes such effort and it's hot and I'll be sweating and blah, blah, blah, and say, okay, well, are you going to regret that? Are you going to beat yourself up because you never do it? Or are you going to be like, okay, I've decided not to go kayak because it's hot and I don't want to sweat. All right, great, next, next. So what do you want? How's what you're doing?

Speaker 3: 31:07

Getting you what you want. If you're not getting what you want, are you willing to try a different way? And if you're not willing, are you willing to accept what is without judgment? I love that. Those are three phenomenal questions. And when you partner those questions with the idea of like how many like, you know the philosophy of like how many summers?

Speaker 1: 31:13

you have left, oh gosh yeah. That makes me sad.

Speaker 3: 31:16

So, but it does some people like oh, that's just morbid, and like sad, but it's also like yes, and yeah, motivating, right. It's yes, and it's like, if I go by that measure as somebody who is 56 and you know, taking the average lifespan of a male and he has, I have like 20, maybe 30 summers.

Speaker 1: 31:36

No, you don't, you got you got a whole hundred.

Speaker 3: 31:48

You're gonna live to be 100, like me. I'm 55, yeah, I plan on getting there, yeah, but but the thought is like, okay, how am I gonna maximize every summer? And then you can also do it in terms of like hours or days, I think, yeah, and it's like 6,800 and some odd days like okay, that seems like a lot, but it's not. And I don't mean to be like this is for, but it's not. And I don't mean to be like this is for me. That's not a morbid like oh, depressing thought. It's like, yes, like how am I going to become like have a life by design? How am I going to be obsessed about my life? And not like again, not over the top. It's like I just want every moment to be what I choose it to be and not feel guilty and not have judgment about it and not worry about what other people think about it. That's right and that, I think, is the key to how you live an empty nest like. Live an empty nest life that you love.

Speaker 1: 32:30

Well, I think that we need to also put it in the context of for those who are based in first world countries that are heavily influenced by capitalism, I think we need to step way back and also look around and see what you've already created, Because most people are going to be our age, if they're listening to this, in our decade. And let me be clear, I would have so much money right now if I had not gotten so caught up in the more, more, better, better thinking and all the money I spent on stuff thinking and all the money I spent on stuff, and so you probably got everything you need. Most people right. Like I look out on this Creek. I happened to be in my childhood home that my father built back in the late sixties and it's looks out on whiskey Creek, and majority of the people on this Creek have boats and most of them do not use them. I think about that a lot. Back to should I go kayaking? Should I not go kayaking? I'm like, step back and stop. Like filling your time and energy with more and more stuff. Or you know, like, oh, we should redo the kitchen again. Or like, just stop Everybody. Just stop and look around. Like look at these books behind me. I've got a bookshelf that's full. Have I read all those books? Not yet. So go find a book, sit down and read.

Speaker 1: 33:49

This empty nest is an opportunity for you to no longer have the excuse that you're too busy, you know, hauling your kids around, or we got to go move into the dorm, or we got to go help them with their essays. Yeah, stop, Stop. Stop abandoning yourself, First of all, anybody whose kids are still at the house.

Speaker 1: 34:07

Start creating your own reality for yourself now and start playing with and using all the shit you bought, like there are. How many of you got bikes in the garage? You haven't ridden that bike? Who bought that mountain bike and decided we're going to be mountain bikers and then you didn't do it?

Speaker 3: 34:23

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 34:24

I know I'm relating to somebody. Go do the stuff, use your stuff. Look at that coffee table book that you thought was just perfect. You had to buy on that one trip to Europe. Okay, go read it again. Go look at the pictures. You get my point.

Speaker 3: 34:37

I get it and it's such a valid point because I think for the most part like, and people want to use things to try and make themselves happy, but happiness doesn't come externally. Happiness comes from within and I think when you have a life by design which is you know, we'll keep going back to your info right, life by design, or if you this emptiness life, or you want to have a happy life, it all comes from within and it comes from your thoughts and feelings about your life. And if you're struggling with that, then it's time to kind of maybe reach out and find somebody that you can work with, because your life doesn't change until your thoughts and feelings about it change.

Speaker 1: 35:20

And it's natural to be afraid to look at those thoughts and feelings.

Speaker 1: 35:25

It is so normal All of us. I mean I wouldn't be going through a round two here if I had been more open to really asking myself what are you doing? You know and listening to that intuition. So the journaling is a great tool. I really want to help enable people to help themselves, and so I really encourage you to go get a pen and paper and start asking yourself these types of questions.

Speaker 1: 35:53

The goal here is to become the observer of yourself. What we're talking about is consciousness, consciousness, and you're creating a space between you and whatever you're experiencing, like I call this kind of like the no man's land, between whatever just happened, whatever your kid just said, you know whether they, you know the concept of them leaving. What is that space between you and them, or that circumstance? That no man's land is consciousness, where you can take a breath, you can stop, observe what matters most to you in this moment, understand you know what kind of a legacy you want to leave behind. You know who am I in this moment, what matters most to me and how do I want to behave now, or what do I really want? From an internal perspective, to your point, what matters most to me, and the challenging part is that most of you have never asked yourself the question. And it's never too late. It's just never too late.

Speaker 3: 36:51

It is. And before I let you go, let's answer that question for yourself what does matter most to you?

Speaker 1: 36:58

There's so many things that matter to me, but I feel like I had the great fortune of having played the game pretty intensely, the game that we were brainwashed to believe is the only way to win in society, to the point. I mean. The fact that I quit that job at 40, it doesn't mean I quit that still that growth, belief that more, more, better, better thinking. But I feel like I've done enough of it. I feel kind of privileged to have already done the game to prove to myself that wasn't what creates happiness, that my only goal now is to be content with me and it's a way of being. And can I be okay with me? And that means allowing everybody else to be themselves too.

Speaker 1: 37:46

Can I sit with a hat of curiosity for the next 50 years and do the things that only make me feel good? Because I think the whole point of being on this planet is to go through the sensory experience where you feel good. And if you can feel good, I don't care if that's just one moment at a time. You know it feels good to go take my laptop and work outside today. That felt good, okay. Well, it feels good to drink water out of a big giant Yeti. Okay, that felt good. It feels good to text my daughter and tell her I love her.

Speaker 1: 38:16

Whatever is creating that bliss for you, that's all that matters. And if it's service oriented or if it's, I want to sleep for three days. That's okay. It's your life, it's your design and you cannot get it wrong. And I want to be in a space where I actually feel content with those types of choices, where I'm not second guessing it or worrying or anxious. Can I just be okay and go with the flow and just take it one day at a time and sit in a space of faith that I can just be? You know we're human beings, not human doings. So that's, that's my. I can't remember exactly how you worded the question.

Speaker 3: 38:58

Yeah, that's a great. It's like the whole idea of just being instead of doing. I think that I think that kind of sums up your whole journey. So far is like before you are a human who was doing and now you're a human who's being and you can actually be successful and have a great life in each scenarios.

Speaker 1: 39:17

And so it is, and so it shall be. Yes, thank you.

Speaker 3: 39:21

Yeah, nicola, thank you for being here. Where can people find you if they're interested in Life by Design?

Speaker 1: 39:26

Well, I would love for you guys to listen to my podcast as well Coffee with Nicola. It's on all the podcast platforms. I'm currently blending my website, so soon you will only be able to access me at Nicolacoach. That's an actual website address Nicolacoach. Nicoacoach that's an actual website address nicoacoach. There is a coffeewithnicoacom that we'll be combining. I don't know when this will post, so you can also find me on Coffee with Nicoa on Instagram and on Facebook, and you can find me on LinkedIn. So all the social media channels, tiktok included. I'm not as popular as you are on TikTok, but I do my best to keep up with your amazing posts and you're just a real inspiration for me.

Speaker 1: 40:07

So thank you very much and thanks for those of you who don't know, jay was on my podcast, so feel free to go take. Start your introduction to Coffee with Nicole by listening to the Empty Nest interview that we conducted a few months back.

Speaker 3: 40:21

Thanks, nicole, appreciate it so good to see you, as always.

Speaker 1: 40:24

Always good to see you, man. I'll talk to you again later.

Speaker 3: 40:27

All right, take care.

Speaker 2: 40:28

Are you ready to start living and enjoying your empty nest years? If so, head over to Jason Ramsden dot com and click work with me to get the conversation started. This empty nest life is a production of Impact. One Media LLC. All rights reserved.