Speaker 1: 0:00

Let's say your daughter or son decides to spend the holidays with their friends instead of coming home. You probably would feel the disappointment kind of wash over you in that instant when you get the message. I know I would. But in that instance you have a choice.

Speaker 2: 0:15

Welcome to this Empty Nest Life where your next chapter begins. Join Jay Ramsden, the inspiring voice behind the Empty Nest Coach on TikTok and Instagram, as he leads you on a transformative journey through the uncharted seas of midlife and empty nesting. Here's your host, the Empty Nest Coach, Jay Ramsden. Hey there, Empty.

Speaker 1: 0:35

Nester. The holidays are upon us, right, they're coming up here pretty quickly. So today I'm diving into a topic that many of us wrestle with specifically during the holidays. It's the bittersweet experience of gathering with family and confronting the inevitable quiet that follows, and I know you know what I'm talking about. So as this holiday season approaches, we kind of get this excitement going, being able to see our kiddos and yes, they'll always be kiddos, no matter how old our children become. So don't be coming at me saying they're adults. They are adults, but they're still our kids, and that's plain and simple, right, they're always going to be our kids, no matter how old they are. But what happens when all those adult kids decide to holiday elsewhere? Thatof, oof, oof. That one gets us right. It's like a huge punch to the gut, like ugh.

Speaker 1: 1:33

And as the holiday season approaches, you're probably, a lot like me, kind of filled with anticipation. For me it's Thanksgiving, it's my absolute favorite, and for you it might be Christmas, like my beautiful bride, that's her favorite holiday. But what we're doing is we're kind of sitting here as the holiday season approaches and we're looking forward to family reunions. We're looking forward to the stories, the laughter, the games, the cooking, the baking and all of the time that we have planned to spend with our kids. Your vision for the holiday probably also includes a ton of preparation, extra food in the fridge, decorations in every corner and schedules that are just packed with family activities and family time. But what happens when our excitement for the plans we've created are met with some unexpected news? In a 2019 article by Erica Hardison from Yahoo Life, she shares experiences that resonate deeply with many empty nesters. When the kids decide to do holidays elsewhere, or they decide to do holidays on their own. Okay, imagine this You're sending texts, you're eagerly awaiting your kid's arrival, to come home only to receive a message saying they won't be coming home this year, and that gut punch can be really tough to bear. It's okay to feel a wave of devastation and anger. That's normal right, especially when we have something in our heads planned out and it doesn't come to fruition. But I also want to remind you that it's a normal phase in your kid's growth. It's a normal phase. So a psychiatrist, leah Lace, notes that this isn't just about the holidays. It's also about our kids' independence. So what are you going to do when this happens?

Speaker 1: 3:39

Now, here are some important things. I want you to consider some important things I want you to consider, first, navigating the holidays. That means recognizing our own feelings as well as others. It's normal to fear that you might be left out or to feel sad if something doesn't go planned, or to feel like maybe you don't matter in your kids' lives anymore when they decide they want to do the holidays differently this year. It's normal, it's okay.

Speaker 1: 4:05

And here's the tough part you need to approach those feelings with a heart full of gratitude. A heart full of gratitude for the holidays past, for the time that you did get to spend with your kids in years past and I know, trust me, I know that sounds like a bunch of crap. However, instead of reacting negatively to the news that your kid isn't coming home or they're not bringing their family to your house, I encourage you to offer them some understanding. Instead, consider this advice from mental health expert Adina Mahali. She suggests taking a step back and approaching your kid's decision with grace. Now, I know that might hurt, but instead of feeling offended, it's about connecting rather than controlling. Mahali would even go so far to say that it's about showing some patience and grace. Showing some patience and grace to them, to your kids rather than pushing them away with demands and ultimatums on their time.

Speaker 1: 5:17

Okay, here's an example. This is how you might approach this scenario. Let's say your daughter or son decides to spend the holidays with their friends instead of coming home. You probably would feel the disappointment kind of wash over you in that instant when you get the message. I know I would. But in that instance you have a choice. You can choose to push back, you can choose to word vomit your feelings towards them, or you can choose to send them a warm message, just letting them know hey, listen, I'll miss you and I also hope that you have just the amazing, incredible time. That small shift in your approach will ensure that they feel loved. It will ensure they feel included. It will ensure that they feel cared for, even though it's from a distance.

Speaker 1: 6:10

And the key when this happens is also to try and stay connected. You can try and stay connected to your kids in this way. It's the beauty of living in a world where, today, we can stay connected. It's so much easier than ever before. You know that we can stay connected. It's so much easier than ever before.

Speaker 1: 6:23

You know that, and relationship expert Marla Mattinson suggests you know, we use platforms like Zoom and FaceTime to make sure that we keep the bond strong, even if they're not going to be with us, even if they're miles away. Sometimes a simple, quick video chat can brighten their day and let them know you're thinking about them. Madison even goes on to say that if your child decides to have alternative plans than coming home to you, here's a great way to use this technology. I thought this was brilliant Encourage them to send a personalized video to share what they did during the holidays. Now, some of your kids may be doing that anyway. They might be posting on TikTok or Instagram. Now, some of your kids may be doing that anyway. They might be posting on TikTok or Instagram. But what if they made one specifically just for you? Not only do they stay kind of involved, but they might cherish that connection, they might cherish that bridge between you and them from a distance.

Speaker 1: 7:19

Now, I know in my own experience, I would say more so. Over the last few years, I've not been able to regularly spend Thanksgiving with my beautiful fried and my kids. I've needed to spend that time with my parents, who are aging. They're aging and they're down in Florida. Now I don't begrudge this change Now. I don't begrudge how I spend the holidays in the very least at all. It's an absolute privilege to be able to still have my parents in my life at the young age of 87 and 85, because I know that won't always be the case.

Speaker 1: 7:49

But back when we lived in North Carolina before our move to Massachusetts, we used to have huge I'm talking huge gatherings for Thanksgiving, anywhere from 30 to 40 people. This would include family, it would include neighbors, friends, people from the school where my wife and I used to work. Literally, my wife would invite everybody to come to our house and it was such an amazing time together. However, since we moved to a less central location when we lived in Raleigh, it was super central to a lot of folks, massachusetts not so much, so we've had to pivot a little bit. So, in order to recreate that vibe, my brother set up a regular family video call on Thanksgiving. Now, this could be where everybody can come in. Right, it's my cousins, it's my, you know my brother and his family, my parents if I'm not with them, my brother is right, Somebody's with them to bring them on into the tech, while it's not the same as actually being there, just the ability to be able to see my kids' faces, my brother's family, my cousins. It lights me up as we all stay connected with each other. We get to talk about the priceless and great ways we're continuing a transition or continuing a tradition, even when we can't all be together. It's just for us. It's a new way of thinking about the holidays what was and what is now.

Speaker 1: 9:13

Now I get it. This might be a difficult time for many of you. I get it right that having the kids home during the holidays means the world to you, and it should. But let's not forget the inevitable quiet after the holidays. You're going to have to work through not having them home. That's one part, but then, also, after the holidays, there's going to be a letdown. Whether they came home or whether you did something virtual with them, there's going to be a letdown. It's literally like air escaping from the balloon. Here's what I want you to keep in mind.

Speaker 1: 9:50

Accepting an empty nest doesn't have to be filled with sadness. It doesn't have to be filled with sadness. If you embrace the transition, it can lead to new family traditions, ones that focus on quality time rather than the quantity of time that we spend with our kids. You get to choose how you want to think about the holidays. You get to decide if a change in tradition is going to leave you down and out or if you're going to embrace the opportunity to see this as something new, as a pivot, a change. That doesn't have to be one that brings you down. It can actually raise you up, of course, as you adjust to this new dynamic.

Speaker 1: 10:33

Right as the kids get older and they're making their own decisions about where to spend the holidays, it's important to allow yourself to grieve that. That's the first step. Grieve those changes. It's totally natural to miss the chaos, the laughter, the stories, even the messes that come from a busy holiday. Okay, well, maybe not the messes, at least for me. Like my OCD cleaning people like me, you probably don't miss the messes. You can also think of this as an opportunity for growth. It's an opportunity for growth for both you and your kids. Every choice you make as a parent, from when they were little until now, even if they don't live with you, every choice you make teaches them how to handle future situations themselves. It's modeling, it's a cycle of learning, it's a cycle of love and acceptance to show our kids how we can change and grow, no matter how old we are.

Speaker 1: 11:29

Now, as we head into holidays, I want you to focus, too, on gratitude and I know people always tell you to focus on gratitude, but since it's Thanksgiving, it really is the time of year to do just that. Remember, despite all the challenges when your holiday might not look or feel exactly as you want it, to being thankful for the time, any time that is shared, whether together or remotely, is a blessing, an absolute blessing in our lives. And I want you to try this one tip okay, around gratitude as we head into the holiday season, especially if you're kind of feeling that pang of emptiness after all the festivities are gone. Grab a piece of paper, grab a napkin, an old envelope, a journal whatever you have handy and write down all you're grateful for this holiday season, even if you're feeling woe is me, trust me, do this. Just getting the information down and out of your brain can help you shift your mindset from one of loss to one of appreciation If you reflect on memories made. It can also pave the way for new holiday traditions in your life. I encourage you, my emptiness friends, I encourage you. Give this a try Now, before we close out today's episode.

Speaker 1: 12:52

I want you to remember that it's all about balance. It's perfectly okay to feel emotions. Every emotion is valid. It's human, it's part of human experience Excitement for the family time, sadness for the changes in dynamics, it's all part of the process. But I encourage you to embrace those feelings, allow them in, reflect on the past, while also looking forward to what's next in this exciting new chapter of your life.

Speaker 1: 13:23

And I don't want you to forget about that communication piece. The power of communication is essential here, whether through technology or heartfelt messages. When you keep the lines of communication open with your kids, whether they're close, whether they choose to celebrate with you or not, is key. Remember, no matter what, you're still part of their lives, even if it may not feel that way to you during the holiday season. Okay, my emptiness friends, thanks for being with me today.

Speaker 1: 13:51

I hope you found just a little bit of comfort in this episode. It's a pretty weighty topic, especially if you haven't experienced it before, but I hope you feel a little inspired to embrace both the chaos and the calm that the holidays bring. And here's to a joyous season, my friends, filled with love, understanding and new connections. And, of course, if you enjoyed today's episode. Please share it with others so they too can benefit from a different perspective about the holidays, especially if they're going through a first-time holiday where the kids have decided to do something different. And before you go, I want to invite you to join my this Emptiness Life Facebook group. We're a growing community that provides resources, tips and free monthly coaching. Visit wwwjasonramsoncom and click on Join my Community at the top of the page. All right until next time, cherish the moments, be kind to yourself and remember that every holiday, near or far, is an opportunity to create lasting memories. Cheers.

Speaker 2: 14:58

Are you ready to start living and enjoying your empty nest years? If so, head over to jasonramsdencom and click work with me to get the conversation started. Let's make your life lighter, brighter and full of joy and purpose again jasonramsdencom and click work with me to get the conversation started. Let's make your life lighter, brighter and full of joy and purpose again. This Empty Nest Life is a production of Impact One Media LLC. All rights reserved.