Feeling Unneeded On The Sidelines

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And in those moments when I successfully stay on the sidelines, I'm hit with that second wave of emotion. The feeling of being unnecessary. The feeling that if I'm not fixing, then what am I actually doing here?

A Listener Email And Real Grief

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Hey there, my emptiness friends. I'm so glad you're here with me today. I want to start by reading you something. Came in an email from one of you, a member of this emptiness life community, and it hit me right in the heart. She wrote this at 10 p.m. in what she called her quiet kitchen. She said, We, as parents, gave and gave our love, our devotion, our constant presence. But now that they've grown up, often we're left just to watch from the sidelines. I've had an incredibly difficult time with this at 50 something. Two of my children are getting married in the spring, and I quietly think of this as the final step of motherhood. The final step. That's what got me. When I read those words, I could feel the grief through the screen. And maybe you felt it too, when you heard me read it. Maybe you feel it in your own life right now, at this very moment. The sense that the main event of your life, the part where you were needed, where you were the director, the manager, the fixer, seems like it's officially coming to a permanent close.

Empty Nest As A Promotion

SPEAKER_00 1:34

Like you'll always be your kiddo's parent, but today, over my morning coffee, I was thinking about that word, sidelines. And I want to offer you a different way to look at that view from the edge of the field. Okay, here it is. Because for me, the morning isn't always about what's missing. When I sit down with my coffee, my mind doesn't go to the empty chairs, it goes to a phrase I live by, which is consider the possibilities. I find myself asking, what if, and what else? You see, I don't believe for a second that your children going off to college or moving across the country, or getting married, or launching into their own lives is the final step of your role. It's not an ending. It's a re-envisioning. It's a massive tectonic shift in your job description. You aren't being fired, you're being promoted to a role that requires a completely different set of skills. But I'll be the first to admit. The training for this new role? Well, it's a little brutal. And I struggle with it too. My kids are 28 and 26, and there are moments when I have to physically bite my tongue to keep me from giving the advice I know I know it would solve their problem. And there are times when I need to keep from micromanaging a situation I can see unfolding from a mile away. And in those moments when I successfully stay on the sidelines, I'm hit with that second wave of emotion. The feeling of being unnecessary. The feeling that if I'm not fixing, then what am I actually doing here?

The Wedding That Changed Perspective

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I had a moment recently that reminded me of exactly what we're doing on the sidelines. My daughter's friend from her old year-round swim team carpool, she got married. Now, if you've been a swim parent or an other type of athletic parent, or an activities parent, drama, whatever it may be, you know exactly what that life is like. Years of early wake ups and late night practices. Miles and miles and miles in the car sometimes, and smelling, at least for me, smelling like chlorine and damp towels for a decade. That's everywhere. I was the manager of our carpool. I was the provider of the transportation most days. And well, my daughter, when she was invited to that wedding with a plus one, she chose me. She told her friend I was coming, and her friend was so excited. She remembered all the time that we had spent together in a car, traveling to meet and practices. And in that moment, at that wedding, I wasn't the guy in the driver's seat anymore. I wasn't managing the schedule or checking the heat sheets. I was just there. I was a witness to the joy. I realized that all those years of giving and giving and giving and giving, the devotion my listener wrote about, well, it wasn't just to get them to the finish line of adulthood, it was to build the foundation for a relationship where I get to be the one they choose to stand next to them when the managing is over.

The WAIT And WEIGHT Method

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So if you're sitting in your own quiet kitchen tonight, or standing in your kitchen with your favorite cup of coffee or tea, and you feel that ache of being unneeded, I want to give you a practical sideline exercise you can use right now. Because we talk a lot about mindset on this show, and we do that a lot with our guests, but sometimes when the urge to manage hits, ooh, does it hit hard? You may need a physical tool to reset yourself. Okay, so the next time you're talking to your adult child, or you're watching them make a decision you don't agree with, or you're feeling that finality of their independence, I want you to use the weight and weight method. Wait, W-A-I-T is the first weight. Before you speak, ask yourself, why am I talking? Are you talking to fix them? Or are you talking to soothe your anxiety about not being needed anymore? If the answer is the latter, I want you to physically shift your weight, W-E-I-G-H-T. If you're standing, shift your weight to your heels. If you're sitting, feel the weight of your body in the chair. And as you do that, I want you to whisper to yourself two words. What else? As in, what else can I be in this moment for them besides a manager, besides a fixer? Can I be a listener? Can I be a safe harbor? Can I be a person who considers the possibilities that they actually are exactly where they need to be? And so am I.

Your New Freedom And Front Row

SPEAKER_00 6:43

To the listener who sent that email, you aren't watching your life end this spring. You're watching the director version of yourself take a well-deserved bow so the human version of yourself can finally take the stage. The marriages, the moves, the graduations. They aren't the final steps of motherhood or fatherhood. They're the first steps of a new kind of freedom. One where you get to root for yourself with the same intensity you used to root for them. So, as you finish your coffee today, I want you to take a look around your quiet house. And instead of seeing a sideline, I want you to see a front row seat to a brand new show. Your show. Consider the possibilities. Ask, what if, and what else, and then go find it. I'm Jay Ramson, and this is your MD Nest Life.